Post by Lex Decibus on Sept 5, 2006 10:24:06 GMT -5
September 5th, 2006
Alright, so I got a journal. Yes, it's a journal. Diaries are too girlie. But I figured I may as well try that whole 'write my feelings down on paper' thing and see if it actually works. I don't think it will, though. It's not like telling someone - my journal is not a someone [no offense]. Alright, well I've been back at BCA for a whole term and the beginning of one now, and ironically enough, I'm less settled in than the beginning of my first term back.
After prom, I stopped visiting Liam because - and I'll only admit this here - I'm terrified that if he does wake up and I'm still around him, he'll get hurt. everyone does - so why not him? Especially when he's one of the William's - he's already in enough danger as it is, even with Professor Macaulay taking over possession of the Merlin's Pencieve.I just...I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me, you know?
Of course you don't. You're parchment.
Well, besides that, another thing that's just killing me - I saw them. There were three of them that night, wands raised with the intent of murder. I'm guessing that two of them were aiming at one person - probably Liam - and Riku, he had Rollo, I know. Riku's in Azkaban, but I'll be damned if I sleep until I find out who they were. I feel like such an idiot - I saw them, and now, I can only remember blurs of colors, pale skin and dresses.
And now, Peter Lazaurus - He's a Sapphirelake second year - well, it's complicated. He's a good kid, I know he is, but he doesn't know how I am and he's tried way too much to know everything about me. He means well, but it comes off as nosy and belittling...I know he doesn't mean it that way, but he's been trying to become my friend - and I can't let that happen.
My friends die. My friends get hurt. My friends - their blood - it always ends up on my hands. Peter cannot be my friend. He's too innocent, too determined and he's so young and him and Summer - they're perfect for each other. And I won't let him get hurt. So maybe, Maybe I had to be such a bitch to him, and even though I feel horrible about it, it's the way it's gotta be.
That wasn't the way our argument started out. I was actually foolish enough to let my guard down and I was laughing with him, joking. And then he just...he sort of changed, and he fed me the worst lie I've ever received. So, I got a little annoyed, and I just stopped talking to him for a while. And then, the next DADA class arrived, and by then I had thought it all over and I knew exactly what I was going to do.
I was going to be mean. I was going to be everything I hated, act like...Like Millicent Bryners and cut him off. He was such a nice kid, and he was way too innocent. So I said some completely invalid points, sneered at him, 'warned' Summer about his 'poisonous' lies and moved to sit next to a fairly nice student, cutting him off. I let him have the last word, let him think that I really, really hated him and wanted nothing to do with him.
I'm gonna miss that kid. But it's all for the better, I guess. He'll be safe. Merlin, I sound like some wack job martyr or something stupid like that - but it's not like that. I don't think I'm some amazing person because I'm cutting myself off from them. I hate myself because I can see how hurt they are by it and I hate myself because it's all my fault. But I just want them to be safe, and no one's safe around me. It's always been that way, and I have a vague idea that it always will be.
On other news in my extremely twisted and petty excuse for a life, I've started carrying around Erik's necklace again. I had stopped almost instantly after Liam and I had - Well, yeah. The thing was, before, Erik's necklace had always made me feel safe and loved and like everything was alright, even thought I was alone and he wasn't there. He wore it all the time when he was alive, and then he gave it to me right before he left, right before he died.
Then I met Liam, and he gave me that same safety and loved feeling. I didn't need the necklace anymore. Liam was all I needed, and now - now he's in a hospital bed. Now I don't have him anymore, I can't. Not if I want him alive. So I sifted through my drawer and found the necklace and it's been tucked under my robes every day. It doesn't do as much as it used to, but it does numb everything, and the safety - it's barely there, but it's something.
Right now, Somethings a whole hell of a lot better than nothing.
Well, besides all this, I'm Head Girl this semester. Casey Zambiani is Head Boy. Casey - He's alright, but sometimes there's this...This arrogance about him. But if you can overlook that, he's really cool - but I don't know him all that well - I'm glad for that. Can't have the Head Boy dying too. His girlfriend is Kisa, the former Head Girl - she seems really nice, and patient, if she can put up with Casey's attitude sometimes.
I guess that's all - Wow, I feel stupid. I'm talking to a diary. I really am more crazy than I thought. Whatever, we all knew that, right? 'Till next time.
- Lexalia
Alright, so I got a journal. Yes, it's a journal. Diaries are too girlie. But I figured I may as well try that whole 'write my feelings down on paper' thing and see if it actually works. I don't think it will, though. It's not like telling someone - my journal is not a someone [no offense]. Alright, well I've been back at BCA for a whole term and the beginning of one now, and ironically enough, I'm less settled in than the beginning of my first term back.
After prom, I stopped visiting Liam because - and I'll only admit this here - I'm terrified that if he does wake up and I'm still around him, he'll get hurt. everyone does - so why not him? Especially when he's one of the William's - he's already in enough danger as it is, even with Professor Macaulay taking over possession of the Merlin's Pencieve.
Of course you don't. You're parchment.
Well, besides that, another thing that's just killing me - I saw them. There were three of them that night, wands raised with the intent of murder. I'm guessing that two of them were aiming at one person - probably Liam - and Riku, he had Rollo, I know. Riku's in Azkaban, but I'll be damned if I sleep until I find out who they were. I feel like such an idiot - I saw them, and now, I can only remember blurs of colors, pale skin and dresses.
And now, Peter Lazaurus - He's a Sapphirelake second year - well, it's complicated. He's a good kid, I know he is, but he doesn't know how I am and he's tried way too much to know everything about me. He means well, but it comes off as nosy and belittling...I know he doesn't mean it that way, but he's been trying to become my friend - and I can't let that happen.
My friends die. My friends get hurt. My friends - their blood - it always ends up on my hands. Peter cannot be my friend. He's too innocent, too determined and he's so young and him and Summer - they're perfect for each other. And I won't let him get hurt. So maybe, Maybe I had to be such a bitch to him, and even though I feel horrible about it, it's the way it's gotta be.
That wasn't the way our argument started out. I was actually foolish enough to let my guard down and I was laughing with him, joking. And then he just...he sort of changed, and he fed me the worst lie I've ever received. So, I got a little annoyed, and I just stopped talking to him for a while. And then, the next DADA class arrived, and by then I had thought it all over and I knew exactly what I was going to do.
I was going to be mean. I was going to be everything I hated, act like...Like Millicent Bryners and cut him off. He was such a nice kid, and he was way too innocent. So I said some completely invalid points, sneered at him, 'warned' Summer about his 'poisonous' lies and moved to sit next to a fairly nice student, cutting him off. I let him have the last word, let him think that I really, really hated him and wanted nothing to do with him.
I'm gonna miss that kid. But it's all for the better, I guess. He'll be safe. Merlin, I sound like some wack job martyr or something stupid like that - but it's not like that. I don't think I'm some amazing person because I'm cutting myself off from them. I hate myself because I can see how hurt they are by it and I hate myself because it's all my fault. But I just want them to be safe, and no one's safe around me. It's always been that way, and I have a vague idea that it always will be.
On other news in my extremely twisted and petty excuse for a life, I've started carrying around Erik's necklace again. I had stopped almost instantly after Liam and I had - Well, yeah. The thing was, before, Erik's necklace had always made me feel safe and loved and like everything was alright, even thought I was alone and he wasn't there. He wore it all the time when he was alive, and then he gave it to me right before he left, right before he died.
Then I met Liam, and he gave me that same safety and loved feeling. I didn't need the necklace anymore. Liam was all I needed, and now - now he's in a hospital bed. Now I don't have him anymore, I can't. Not if I want him alive. So I sifted through my drawer and found the necklace and it's been tucked under my robes every day. It doesn't do as much as it used to, but it does numb everything, and the safety - it's barely there, but it's something.
Right now, Somethings a whole hell of a lot better than nothing.
Well, besides all this, I'm Head Girl this semester. Casey Zambiani is Head Boy. Casey - He's alright, but sometimes there's this...This arrogance about him. But if you can overlook that, he's really cool - but I don't know him all that well - I'm glad for that. Can't have the Head Boy dying too. His girlfriend is Kisa, the former Head Girl - she seems really nice, and patient, if she can put up with Casey's attitude sometimes.
I guess that's all - Wow, I feel stupid. I'm talking to a diary. I really am more crazy than I thought. Whatever, we all knew that, right? 'Till next time.
- Lexalia